Community Is Decaying - Awakening From The Illusion
One of the most alarming trends in society today
Community is decaying, and it demands our attention now.
Either you or someone you know is likely impacted by this issue.
One in four people worldwide (over 1 billion) feel very or fairly lonely. (1)
Approximately half of U.S. adults report experiencing loneliness. (2)
40% of Canadians feel lonely some or all of the time. (3)
49.63% of adults (25.99 million people) in the UK reported feeling lonely occasionally, sometimes, often, or always. (4)
More than one in three adults in Ireland would describe themselves as lonely or isolated. (5)
These are merely a sample of statistics from a long list of worrying global insights.
What’s worse is that loneliness kills.
A decaying sense of community leads to higher levels of isolation and loneliness, which results in:
Decreased mental health
Elevated cortisol
Reduce immune function
Heightened systemic inflammation
Increased risk of heart disease and stroke
Accelerated cognitive decline
The impact of loneliness can be just as bad as smoking on our health, according to Mount Sinai Hospital of Canada, which attributes 45,000 deaths per year in Canada (same as smoking) to loneliness and social isolation. In his review of the impacts of loneliness, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy makes the same observation, comparing the loneliness epidemic to health issues such as tobacco, obesity, and substance use disorders.
Isolation is killing us.
This article aims to:
Explore how we got here
Provide solutions
How We Got Here
“Your reality becomes a reflection of the original illusion.” - Eckhart Tolle
Source: A New Earth
It’s worth noting that there are many contributing factors to the stats you read since loneliness is a subjective feeling of a perceived mismatch between what we have and what we need regarding the quantity and quality of our social relationships.
The focus of this article will centre on the original illusion and its impact on our feeling of community.
What is the original illusion?
It is the illusion of reality created in our minds. In other words, it is the ego. Identification with thoughts, beliefs, ideologies, concepts, and mental labels as “truths” that guide our actions.
Our actions become our reality. When problems result from our actions, you will find ego at the source. There are several examples of how ego, or I, as translated in Latin, is killing our collective unity.
More on that in a moment.
To guide the conversation, six songs were handpicked to represent the major themes of this article. Each song is linked if you’d like to play them in the background as you read through.
Tracklist:
So Much Trouble In The World - Bob Marley & The Wailers
Out Of Touch - Daryl Hall & John Oats
Where Is the Love? - Black Eyed Peas
Lonely At The Top - Asake
Rat Race - Bob Marley & The Wailers
One Love - Bob Marley & The Wailers
“You see men sailing on their ego trip.” - Bob Marley
Bob sang these words in 1979. It is 2024 now, and nothing has changed.
Why isn’t this trend going away?
The answer looks obvious on the surface. Power and greed are what it looks like. However, if you pull back the curtains on this kind of power, what you’ll find is fear.
Fear, lack, and inadequacy are all synonymous with ego. When our actions are driven by attachment to fear, it results in conflict and damages our sense of community — happening on every level of society, from global to local.
It pits you versus me and us against them.
Politics plays a significant role in how society functions, and sadly it is riddled with illusions that are largely fear-driven.
Fear leads to division, and division erodes the community.
It is your right to decide what you believe in. By no means dilute your self-expression. However, true self-expression possesses no desire to create problems. Difference doesn't need to equate to dissent.
Ego encourages a wall to be built between “us” and “them” — literally and figuratively.
All of this fear spreading culminates in withdrawal. Rather than lean in and use our curiosity to understand each other, we pull back and separate. Not everyone behaves like this, but it is prominent. It is the status quo but it is not the solution.
An example of this is in America where two ugly trends are colliding. Fewer people trust each other, and levels of polarization are reaching historic highs. Sadly, this experience is not limited to one country.
Rather than accept norms that don’t serve us, I encourage you to challenge the status quo and control what you can control in your own life.
It starts with self-awareness. The more aware of who you are, the better you can understand others. Greater understanding of each other creates grounds for connection and care. Both of these form friendships and friendships defeat loneliness.
Begin with assessing your core beliefs, fears, biases, and values. In a previous letter, I shared 4 questions to assess your deeply held beliefs.
These are positive steps in developing greater awareness, but ultimately it is realizing you are none of these things. You are not your thoughts. (Opinions, concepts, identities, fears, or beliefs)
We all derive from one life source, meaning we are all connected. Through this lens, there are no barriers. It is the illusion of ego that creates separateness. Let awareness guide your actions — not fear.
In Bob Marley’s words:
“We don’t need no more trouble. What we need is love.”
“We’re soul alone and soul really matters to me.” - Daryl Hall & John Oats
The lyrics of this classic ring through in today’s society.
We live in a paradox where access to connection has never been greater, but the quality of connection has never been lower. We are out of touch.
To understand this paradox, we must look at the underlying problem.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs model sorts human needs into five categories to help understand behavioural motivations.
Belongingness and love create a sense of connection. Let's use the food pyramid to understand the impact of a deficiency in these needs.
The food pyramid provides general guidelines on how to structure your diet to maintain sustainable health. When we neglect the foundations of our diet, we see negative impacts on our wellbeing.
In the same way, a nutrient deficiency causes health problems, so too does a deficiency in quality human connection.
Imagine human wellbeing as a stack of Jenga. If you pull out one too many core components, the tower will tumble.
That’s what we are witnessing in society as a result of a deficiency in connection.
According to a recent Meta-Gallup survey, the lowest rate of loneliness (17%) is reported among adults aged 65 and older. In contrast, the group with the highest rate (27%) is young adults aged 19-29.
How can this be? Younger generations are more connected now than ever, or is it an illusion?
I’ve examined several arguments that provide a balanced view on why loneliness is continuously increasing among that age group.
They include causes such as:
Decreases in religious membership
Rapid adoption of smartphones and social media
Economic downturns
COVID-19
Safety concerns
Changes in attitudes toward relationships
Decreasing mental health leading to withdrawal
Less frequent in-person connection
Phones and social media in particular are being labelled as major culprits. This isn’t another article aiming to demonize social media and technology. When used to support human connection, they have great benefits.
Instead, the aim is to highlight a shift that occurred in human behaviour long before smartphones and how it seems to have affected our sense of connection through the medium of social media.
This is where the ego reappears.
“Whatever happened to the values of humanity?” - Black Eyed Peas
Stephen Covey, in his bestseller ‘The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People’ makes an observation that may explain why phones and social media are problematic for deep connection among young adults.
He describes a shift in human ethics from “character ethic to personality ethic”, beginning after World War One. This shift resulted in society becoming more focused on “how we look versus who we are.” Within that pendulum swing is where can begin to understand how we got to the place we did.
‘How I look’ is an illusion of self. It relates to identity and ego clings to identity. Social media is currently built on how ‘I look’ and it damages how ‘I feel’.
Perceptions people have of us are more important than showing our true selves. Likes on content are prioritized over being liked for who you are. Followers are valued over friendships. Normal human flaws are edited out. Networking is done as a means to an end. When you don’t “fit in”, you can be disposed of pretty quickly.
Jonathan Haidt writes “In many virtual networks, people can easily block others or quit when they are displeased. Relationships within such networks are usually more disposable.”
The pool of connection on social media might be a mile long but its depth is an inch thick.
Surface-level behaviour results in surface-level connection. As Thomas Paine said, “That which we obtain too easily, we esteem too lightly.” When we are rich in a resource, its value decreases.
When you combine the addictive user experience of social media with ego-infused behaviours, it produces horrifying results. Dr. Robert Waldinger, the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development highlights how doom scrolling through social media lowers self-esteem, raises anxiety, elevates depression, and leads to higher levels of loneliness and isolation.
Technological advancements will continue to intensify. Trying to stop this trend would be like having a car park barrier in a desert.
Governing bodies and developers need to be responsible but unfortunately, we cannot control a lot of what goes on at that level.
We can however answer the call of proactivity.
What is always inside our control is the place from where we act — shifting from unconscious ego-based behaviour (personality ethics) to collective conscious behaviours (character ethics).
If the pendulum can swing once, it can swing again.
Stephen Covey references traits such as patience, courage, humility, integrity, and modesty as core character components. Social media isn’t absent of these traits but they are not the widespread norm. By leading with character traits we can create healthier online environments and be role models to the next generation.
On top of proactively creating healthier environments when we are online, we have the opportunity to practice temperance by limiting our consumption of social media and technology.
We have a chance to answer the Black Eyed Peas question by restoring the values of humanity. A collective shift like this won’t happen overnight but it can start with you and me.
At the beginning of his music video, Asake ponders.
“Isn’t it crazy how you can have all the success in the world and still feel alone?” - Asake
Many people struggle with this conflict. Yet, when you cut through the noise and revert to the principles of human wellbeing — the explanation for this paradox is easily understood.
The illusion that our self-worth derives from external success and the attainment of material wealth is making people unhappy.
Individual fulfillment sits atop Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid and it’s for good reason. The pursuit of self-fulfillment needs can be like a string with no end.
To use the food pyramid reference again, imagine a child indulging in foods high in sugar. What do you think they want more of?
It certainly isn’t fruit and vegetables.
They would continue to seek more sugar until they crash. This is what happens to adults when our singular focus on self-progress and material wealth neglects the fundamental needs of a human.
When the ego is at the wheel, we can become addicted to the inflation of the illusory self.
Stephen Covey argues “We have inadvertently become so focused on our own building that we have forgotten the foundation that holds it up.”
His observation is backed by a recent Wall Street Journal poll in the U.S. that strikingly reveals how the perceived importance of community is decreasing while the importance of money is significantly rising.
At the same time, rates of loneliness, isolation, and decreased mental health are all on the rise.
What is the point of striving to satisfy self-fulfillment needs if they leave you feeling empty? Self-emptiness?
Success or satisfaction? It doesn’t have to be one or the other. It can be both.
Grounded growth is the sustainable alternative where your pursuit of self-fulfillment needs is grounded in the foundations that sustain your wellbeing and happiness — with connectedness being a core pillar.
How much connection matters to each person cannot be prescribed.
You can gauge your personal requirements by answering the following questions:
What does quality connection look like to you?
How frequently do you need to see people (in person) to feel connected?
“Oh, it's a disgrace to see the human race in a rat race.” - Bob Marley
Favourable economic conditions create an environment where opportunity is abundant. While this is an experience to be grateful for, it can be easy to lose sight of our first foundations.
When you combine favourable economic conditions with a perceived sense of weak community, the more self-reliant a person becomes. The more self-reliant a person becomes, the weaker the community becomes. The weaker the community becomes, the lonelier people become. The lonelier people become, the weaker our health becomes. It’s a losing cycle.
In a podcast, the author of the bestseller ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck’, Mark Manson, recounts his experience of living in New York. “Everybody’s doing their own thing, people are travelling all the time, people are busy, they’re working.”
This way of living may be more prevalent in cities but it isn’t confined to them. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with this lifestyle, there is a caveat. If it makes you feel lonely, self-reflection is required to clarify what matters to you in life. Extrinsic success like money, and material wealth is worthless if you feel lonely.
In the pursuit of more money, more business, more career growth, or more accolades, you should ask yourself “Why am I doing this?”
You can be certain ego is at the helm when constant striving is leading to less well-being, presence, fulfillment, meaningful connection, and happiness.
“Every need got an ego to feed.” - Bob Marley
If the pursuit robs you of what truly matters in your life, you are part of the rat race.
The status quo leads us to believe that we arrive at a crossroads where we must choose between satisfying personal fulfillment needs or maintaining a strong sense of connection.
This is not the case. On the contrary, achieving your personal fulfillment needs requires the support of the community.
Have you ever listened to award-winning speeches and how the individual always points to the people who helped them reach the top? Media celebrates the individual but the person themselves knows they couldn’t do it without a strong support network.
There will be sacrifices but striving for individual success doesn’t have to be an ‘all or nothing’ approach. When it’s used to benefit the greater good, it is a powerful pursuit.
Matthew McConaughey uses the term “Egotistical Utilitarian” which describes someone whose selfish act serves the common good.
Applying this principle is how you can sustain your individual fulfillment pursuit without sacrificing the foundations holding it up.
McConaughey and his wife Camila founded the Just Keep Living Foundation with the mission to empower high school students to lead active lives and make healthy choices for a better future.
LeBron James leverages his individual success to build initiatives like the ‘I PROMISE School’ which helps to positively affect the lives of children and young adults through education and co-curricular educational initiatives.
Not everyone can contribute at the same level but the principle stands. You can give back to your family, friends, and local community.
Clarify your why.
This article began by stating 'I is Killing Us’ aka ego is killing community. Both literally and figuratively.
Throughout the discussion, you may have noticed the inclusion of release dates for every song on the tracklist.
The intention here is to show how our actions snowball over a long period to culminate in what you see today.
More importantly, it emphasizes how the solutions to our current problems lie within the wisdom of the past.
“One love, one heart. Let’s get together and feel alright.” - Bob Marley
The solution is to put our egos aside and focus on what truly matters.
5 Ways We Can Build Stronger Communities:
Work to understand ourselves and each other better
Improves acceptance of difference
Creates safer spaces online and in-person
Prioritize character traits over superficial behaviours
Develops deeper connection
Sets the example for the next generation
Commit to frequent quality connection
Forms caring connections
Feel part of something larger
Pursue individual goals serving the greater good
Dual benefit to the individual and people around them
Sustains striving for personal success
Maintain the foundations that support our sustained wellbeing
Improves mental health which can help address societal withdrawal
Decreases health risks
None of these solutions are new practices. They have worked for generations and they are still effective today if we practice them.
Our external environment has evolved but our internal wiring still runs on the same program.
Thrive with the tribe.
“Building community creates a venue for friendship and friendship defeats loneliness.” - Charles H. Vogl.
Source: The Art of Community
I’d love to hear your suggestions about how we can form stronger communities in the comments.
Live Free,
Niall
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References
1. Almost a Quarter of the World Feels Lonely
2. Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation
3. The loneliness epidemic: How social isolation can damage our minds and bodies
4. Facts and statistics about loneliness
5. One in three adults in Ireland describe themselves as lonely or isolated
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Great article Niall! You’re bang on. There is a misrepresented view that Maslow’s ‘self actualisation’ is all about the individual and based on a selfish motivation, but I read recently that it’s actually about how a self-actualised person uses their powers to serve others. Ultimately, serving your tribe and achieving things as a collective is what we are biologically made to do.
This is a fascinating topic and I feel it so much…like some nights I just feel an ancient longing to hear drums outside my window and a group of people (family) sharing food. I even tried to generate that for a while w playing in bands and yoga bands and stuff but there was always the subtle capitalism there even in music 🙈🤦🏻♀️ I love that you’re talking about it!!! Drum circles are one way I’ve found to get that community back- if/ when I can find them in my town😊☀️